Of Love and War
by WhiteDarkChocolate
Summary: SPOILER. The final act in Dragon Age 2. Female Hawke thinks back about her romance with her friend. Rated M for only slight sexual encounters.


Do not read this unless you have completely finished Dragon Age 2!

This is basically what I felt during the ending. Though I'll leave the final action to your descisions. Use your imagination!

Had it come down to this? Staring at the blond mage with so many emotions swarming inside it was nearly sickening. All eyes were on Anders, his shoulders were slumped and his head dipped low. He hadn't been afraid to perform this action. The moment it happened he came forth and told everyone it was his doings. Like he was boasting. But when he turned to Hawke and explained he lost all confidence and sat on the crate, staring at the floor in silence.

It seemed as if silence was all there was. Hawke couldn't hear the sounds of battle, the crackling of the fire around her as it ate everything it touched, the screams of Kirkwall citizens as they died and pleaded. She stared at Anders and tried to sort out the emotions she felt. Sebastian dove forward, cursing Anders along with other horrid promises. He turned to Hawke and demanded Anders die for his crimes. For the longest of moments, she felt nothing. Then everything, pure anger was the first to control her hands and force them into fists. Her breathing quickened considerably and her heart beat in her chest to the point of physical pain. She opened her mouth to scream at him, to demand why he could do such a thing and drag her along with him. She wanted him to know how stupid he was for…

Pain. Why didn't she tell him? He betrayed her. She unwillingly aided in this task though Anders refused to point it out. Hawke recalled once he told her she didn't have to help. She didn't know. She would've never helped him. Hawke would keep Anders under the radar, she's sort things out with the templar and mages. She would be the ambassador, and Anders would help by showing his sanity and being an apostate. All she needed was more time, she didn't pick a side, she chose the neutral option. She could fix it. Just a little more time and she could fix it…but now? More questions pounded her mind and she forgot about her current position.

When she first saw Anders helping others she was glad to see someone was trying to do good in a town filled with beggars and criminals. When she saw her fist glance of Justice she thought he was insane, though after an explanation she understood to an extent. Often she wondered if Justice was listening in on their conversation. Was he watching her smile at her own jokes? Was he there when she first flirted with the mage alone in the medical room? She recalled Anders hatred for Fenris and tried fruitlessly to work it out between them. They hated each other and always fought whenever they were in her party so she could never have the best of both worlds. Fenris was a wild animal, free but never so, haunted by past events. She wanted to help him. Heal him so he could be as proud and arrogant as she acted. She adored Fenris for that purpose. She understood he had every reason to act how he did. If she didn't have Anders she would've went with Fenris. Or would she?

She had forgotten all about Fenris when she first kissed Anders. All she thought about was his lips, her body and the magic sparking between them. She loved the feeling of otherworldly power across her skin, his hands on her cheeks and his stubbly chin against her face. No. She probably wouldn't have went with Fenris. After the kiss she wanted to just stay with him, intertwine their fingers maybe, stare into the others eyes wondering what the other was thinking. But a noisy patient ruined that and with an apology he left. Anders was stubborn, it took some coaxing to get him to even think about another option. But she could see over all that, she wasn't without faults herself. She loved money. Money could buy her anything in the world. Jobs. Spies. Trinkets. Gifts. Protection. All of these she needed to survive. She liked giving gifts. Mostly because that would make others happy and maybe even she would receive a few gifts of her own.

But it wasn't about gifts, it was about gaining loyalties and proving to her companions she would be there for her. That was one reason why she gave Anders the key to her house. Not to the front door because an apostate just wandering in would cause every templar to appear on her doorstep. He arrived once and for a night they had passion. But when Hawke awoke he was fully dressed and said he wasn't sure about everything. She felt somewhat betrayed that he'd have sex with her, then leave, but after three years he confessed his affection and appeared whenever he wanted. She remembered one particular night after sex and a nap she switched to stretch out at the bottom of the bed. She nudged away Anders feet and they quickly disappeared under the blanket. She read several pages before fingers skirted along her bare back and a stubbly chin rested on her shoulder. She smiled to herself and felt his chest touch her side, a soft, friendly kiss caressed her cheek. She loved him. After a few arguments with herself she decided she wanted to be with him.

But now? Anders betrayed her. After everything they had been through he couldn't tell her this? She spoke to him about the pain she felt about Bethany and Carter, then what happened with her mother, then jobs and the Arishok and everyone in general. He listened and told her multiple things. Multiple little or massive things. About Justice. But this one important thing he couldn't fess up? She wanted to punch him. She wanted to cry. She wanted to demand to know why he did all of this, "proving a point" didn't count on this scale. She didn't want to see the looks on her companions faces. All of them were with her. All of them were waiting for an answer, some reaction, some final decision. Sebastian continued to fume, she could feel the rage directed at Anders. Another smothered rage mixed with knowledge by Fenris. She glanced to Verric and the dwarf gave away nothing, he had the most impression on Hawke than anyone else.

"Hawke!" Sebastian snapped.

"Anders…" was all she could manage as the hurricane of thoughts calmed to an angry storm.

"Hawke, you either kill him now or I will come back here with an army." The redhead hissed. "I swear to you Hawke, I—"

She turned to him, "Shut it, Sebastian! I make the decision!" she was surprised how fast she had reacted. "Anders…"

"I deserve it, you can kill me. I don't care anymore."

She went to his side and pulled her blade, resting it on his shoulder. "You don't care? You did all of this and now its over you don't care? Yes Anders, I believe you deserve something. But death?"

"Death is too kind of a punishment." Sebastian growled.

She ignored him. Anders seemed to lean into the blade, "I have wronged you, Hawke, I'm sorry." He lowered his voice to a breathless whisper, "I shouldn't have included you. You won't be able to forgive yourself for it. I just…"

Hawke's hand slackened on the hilt, her emotions could be answered with a simple motion. Just cut his throat or sheath her sword. She was trapped, she couldn't just walk away and say she would deal with it later. Sebastian wouldn't let her. Her companions wouldn't be pleased either. She stared at Anders, then Sebastian and sighed.

Her decision was final.

**A/N: Please point out any mistakes I have made and thank you for reading!**


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